Everyone warned me about the diapers, the lack of sleep and the toddler tantrums but what people didn't warn me about was the thinking - the constant mental to-do lists that haunt my brain every waking ( and sometimes sleeping) hour of the day. They call this the mental load.
If you're a mom, likely you are carrying around this mental load, whether you realize it or not - similar to carrying around a backpack full of rocks. It's remembering to fill out that permission slip for school, seeing that the toothpaste is low and you need a refill, folding laundry while cooking supper, and making doctor's appointments in between work clients. And then remembering those appointments when the time comes. It's being the emotional and logistical manager of the entire household. Usually this load we carry is invisible.
The mental load is exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love my family with every cell in my body but carrying the mental load of the entire household is a full time job on top of, well, everything else!
Here is what people don't talk about - it's isolating. It’s hard to explain the emotional fatigue that comes from always being the one who knows what needs to happen next. The one who fills in the gaps before they even appear.
So why don't we talk about it more? I think because this is what has been ingrained in us through society. We are supposed to be able to juggle it all, put everyone else before ourselves and do it all with a smile on our face.
But let me tell you this: now is a time for change, this is not okay. Mothers don't need to work like they have no children and raise children like they don't have a job. And Mothers should feel comfortable talking about how HARD it is. Because raising little humans is the most difficult job in the world.
It's okay to share the mental load. It's okay to say "I'm overwhelmed". It's okay to ask your partner not to just help but to also take ownership - to notice, to plan, to remember too.
Motherhood doesn't have to be martyrdom. The more we talk about the mental load, the more we can change the culture around it - in our homes, communities, and beyond. We can raise kids who see both partners sharing the mental load together. We can model boundaries, self-care and communication.
Being a mom is beautiful and messy and the most cherished job in the word. But it doesn't have to mean that mom is the brain for the entire household. So let me remind you - you are seen, you are heard and you deserve some rest too.
Let's keep talking about it.
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